Day 20

Im sat in the middle of a field bawling my eyes out. Even more so then when my Sister died.
My Nan has passed away from a Stroke which she never woke from.
I'm studying Performing Arts at College and in my last term. Huge end of year show that i am the Stage Manager for. I'm running the show.

I've spent my time off during rehearsals reading her The Sun newspaper. They say talking to people can help. Im there everyday with Mum telling Nan whats happening in the world and answering back as if we were having a conversation about the stupid stories.

My Nan was like the best Nan ever. Michelle and I got away with alot when she would babysit.
'Just an extra 30mins please'. Begging to stay outside till it became dusk.
She loved watching the movie 'King and I', everytime at christmas that was the movie to watch. After the Queens speech (of course). And she would always bring the best Apple and Mince pies. Home-made.

Everytime we ever went to Nan's the box of toys and colouring books came out. This was a box of toys that were probably too young for us (a metal board with shapes, fuzzy felt, cars etc..), but we loved that box. It was ours. If we weren't colouring, we were making pictures.  I would always try and draw my Nan a huge picture for her kitchen door on flipchart paper. I still have some of those pics still. Then there was the endless bowl of Wine Gums.....

This pain that I'm feeling feels like an anvil on my stomach. I don't feel like I can breathe.
How many more people that matter to me am I going to lose??
Now is the time I just want to disappear. Just go for a walk and never turn back. Just like Huck Finn.

The only thing that makes it even a tiny bit better is knowing that Nan will be with her Husband, her Sister and her Granddaughter.


T+M

Day 19

I didn't do alot for my 18th. I didn't want too.
However I couldn't disappoint my family for the last Hoorah!
Arranging a 21st without your better half aches a bit. I say 'a bit', its been 8yrs now.
The memories are getting harder to remember. It's getting easier to talk about her to others, though I still hold back alot of the details. The anniversaries are still tough though. Small steps.

Mum is going to head to France to pick up wine. We've got a dear friend of ours to be the DJ.
I made only two stipulations if we were going to have a party.
1. Its going to be a block party. No hall hire.
2. I want the chef Tony that we used to annoy as 8yr olds to make the cake.

I think thats a fair trade.

It was in all fairness a great party. Lots of family and friends from afar turned up. Even from Canada.

But in the shadows, someone was missing. Oh well. No more BIG birthdays. I dont have to do this again.

T+M

Day 18

In the UK, you celebrate birthday ages of 13 (teenager status), 16 (legal for some things), 18 (supposedly and adult and legal for way more), 21 (Now your on your own!).

Its my 16th in a few weeks.  I'm going to make Michelle a birthday card. Handmade is so much better.
I'm sat in my homeroom at school, free period. Supposedly we are to study/do homework in those 'spare' lessons, but no-one ever does.

I've decided to copy an outline of Michael Jackson feet free hand.  I love drawing. I want to take my time over this, make it really nice.
All of a sudden someone has swipped the card away from my hands and is waving it about the air. I don't know who this student is. All they are doing though is making fun of me making a card for my Sister who happens to be dead!
I'm getting upset, all I want is the card back and to be left alone. I wasn't making any trouble, they wont give it back.
From the other room and the room that I'm in, my friends S + P go after the kid. Give him hell and get my card back.
It's alittle too late, I'm crying and just trying to make people understand that I want to be alone, make my card. Is that too hard to comprehend.  She may not be here, but she still deserves a 16th Birthday card. Its an important Birthday.

My Sister and Dad are holding a small Birthday tea for me. She has made my favourite meal, bought a cake, got me some sparkly wine and bought an amazing Gold heart shaped ring for me. I'm being spoilt, I know I am.  So why aren't I truly smiling. Its a fake smile. The excitement of opening gifts is not there. I don't want to be here.

Its getting too much to pretend. As she lights the candles on the cake, I explode at all of them.
'I dont't want to celebrate my birthday's anymore. Its not the same.'

I know that I've hurt my sisters feelings and most of all my Dad's, but I don't have it in me to celebrate anymore. It doesn't seem fair or right. There were two people born on this day. We should both be here to celebrate.

I don't want any more Birthday's!


T+M

Day 17

I hate that saying 'Everything happens for a reason'!
What's the reason behind losing a child??? No parent should outlive their children. No Grandparent for that matter.
My Nan is my world and we were/are her's.  How do you explain such unfairness?


What amazes me though is how much someone can leave an imprint on you even in a short space of time.
My friends are showing me that in so many ways. Michelle has made an impact.
They remember her unwavering Love of all things Michael Jackson. Her laughter whenever K1 would do her impression of Chunk from the Goonies.
Her constant asking of K2 to do her impression of Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing.

C has given me a 2 heart necklace in silver as a memory of my Sister and I, plus the most amazing poem from one of our favorite movies.

From our playdate V.

Even with all this support, my heart aches and my mind is losing all memories of Michelle.

T+M

Day 16

The first year is nearly up.
First birthday alone. First Christmas alone.

Slowly coming to terms with it all.
Things are going back to normal.
I still have exams to do, athletics to compete in.
Sport has become my salvation. If im not running, Im doing Martial Arts.

I need to say Thank You to so many people at school.
Even if they didnt say anything, they still had an impact on me.

A card!  That will work. Simple, to the point.
A Thank You card from My family to all those that sent their best during this trying time.

Some asked Why?  after a year did I say Thank You.  Others (that got it), just said 'Thank you' themselves for the card. 'Happy to help'.

Why did I wait a year??? It took that long to get out of the initial darkness. That all encompassing fog that covered my brain.  I can safely say that I learnt nothing at school that year. I remember very little.
I had a big bike accident once. Decided to use my face as a break. While at my Nan's I thought about what Michelle was going to say once I got to school. I was about to shout out to my Nan this statement, but inside something was telling me that it didn't sound right?!  Something strange stopped me from telling my Nan I couldn't wait to talk to Michelle.
Later I found out I had a nasty concussion. (that would explain why I couldn't remember the full walk to my Nan's house). Hmm! the brain has a weird way of protecting you.

But things are becoming clearer.
The first step in what will no doubt be a long journey.

T+M

Day 15

 The hoopla has died down. The newspapers sensationalized the event as much as they could. Not a chance. Mother had the legal department of the company that she was working at, draft up a statement. Yeah! Arseholes, try making this into something more then what it actually is.
I never understood why famous people hated the paparazzi, at Michelle's inquest I got a first hand glimpse of how people just doing 'their job' can turn from a human into a vulture just to get the next best thing happening.  Well NO-ONE gets to diss my sister.

Its been a few months, I'm going through the motions at school, I actually have no idea what im learning at this moment, I'm just attending classes.
The teachers are treating me differently. I've vented at one in particular (really wanted to punch his lights out, make him feel all the pain that his inflicted on my family and I).  No detention.
They don't even know what to do!

At times it all gets to be too much and I just leave classes.
The library is my safe haven, my place to still feel her around. This was our 'secret' playground.
 Its calm and peaceful.

I have one thing though that is keeping me sane. FRIENDS!  and lots of them.
They are there for me, even when I don't know that I need them.

A poor 2nd year student got the brunt of my friend L for saying something out of place. I'm glad she got to him before I did. At this moment in time, I'll fight anyone. I really don't care.

Will this get any better?
I feel like I'm already forgetting how she sounded?
What she was like.
I play back all the times that i was horrid to her. Could I have been nicer?  Could I have been THAT sister that was the protector more?
Was she happy having me as her sister?

Guess I'll wait till i see her again to ask........

T+M

Day 14

Back to school. Can I blend in? Can I hide?

The looks are still there. Sideways glances, hushed whispers.  I feel alone, but I know in the back of my mind I'm not. She's apart of me. What does she sound like? What was the last thing we said to each other?
The mind is a jumble. Like a black hole. The Bermuda Triangle. Stuff is going in, but its getting lost.

I know I'm not alone. I can feel it. Keep reminding yourself.
I can feel the closeness of something else?!  In the background, just out of reach. There, if i need it.

Friends!

K's Story... cont'd

The day of Michelle's funeral was the day the world stopped making any sense,13 year old kids don't just die surely? Maybe the ones who have accidents or terrible illness yes,but your best friends can't die they just cant.

On the day i remember getting dressed in black looking very smart and ladylike, but still feeling like a child on the inside.
When the hearse arrived there she was in that wooden box, she was really dead and I couldn't deny it was like being ripped in half. It was so sad with all the weeping and crying but I still didn't really understand what was going on because it was in comprehensible to me even though I knew she wasn't coming back.
After the service I remember staggering up the path to a couple of my other friends because I had never been to the crematorium before and had no idea how I was supposed to get home, they pointed me in the right direction I remember walking home in the rain I couldn't see a thing through all the suffering and the crying. I don't even remember what I did when I got home.
 The following week I had to go back to school on the same day as Trudy, I do remember that day all the sympathetic looks and the slightly curious looks but no one would actually ask us directly what we felt.
 I guess it was really hard for people to know what to say we were all teenagers, we were kids and we didn't know what to do, for a few months afterwards I was very protective of my seat in the class because I had most of my classes with Michelle and I couldn't bear the idea of someone else in her place. Half of me was so angry but the other half of me was so sad and I still don't know which part was ruling my head.
I was quite amazingly mixed up and the level of grief never really seem to abate for a really long time, for a long while I never thought I could be happy again.
The problem was back then no one really discussed grief or death with children, it was a very much keep calm and carry on situation, I'm glad now that school has changed so much kids have counselors and people they can talk to but we didn't.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all had it so hard, we were just young people completely rocked and shocked by someone dying that was the same age as us. Now we are all grown up but it still doesn't make any sense maybe it never will. But the most poignant memories we have of Michelle are the times we spent with her, her wonderful loving nature, her whimsical side and the ability to make everybody laugh even in the worst situation. She really could make anything funny! And of course had devoted love of Michael Jackson.
Maybe we will not stop grieving but we will not stop loving and cherishing either, maybe some birds are not meant to be caged because their feathers are just too bright
............................................................................................................................................................

T+M