Tuesday, 14 July 2015

Day 14

Back to school. Can I blend in? Can I hide?

The looks are still there. Sideways glances, hushed whispers.  I feel alone, but I know in the back of my mind I'm not. She's apart of me. What does she sound like? What was the last thing we said to each other?
The mind is a jumble. Like a black hole. The Bermuda Triangle. Stuff is going in, but its getting lost.

I know I'm not alone. I can feel it. Keep reminding yourself.
I can feel the closeness of something else?!  In the background, just out of reach. There, if i need it.


K's Story... cont'd

The day of Michelle's funeral was the day the world stopped making any sense,13 year old kids don't just die surely? Maybe the ones who have accidents or terrible illness yes,but your best friends can't die they just cant.

On the day i remember getting dressed in black looking very smart and ladylike, but still feeling like a child on the inside.
When the hearse arrived there she was in that wooden box, she was really dead and I couldn't deny it was like being ripped in half. It was so sad with all the weeping and crying but I still didn't really understand what was going on because it was in comprehensible to me even though I knew she wasn't coming back.
After the service I remember staggering up the path to a couple of my other friends because I had never been to the crematorium before and had no idea how I was supposed to get home, they pointed me in the right direction I remember walking home in the rain I couldn't see a thing through all the suffering and the crying. I don't even remember what I did when I got home.

 The following week I had to go back to school on the same day as Trudy, I do remember that day all the sympathetic looks and the slightly curious looks but no one would actually ask us directly what we felt.
 I guess it was really hard for people to know what to say we were all teenagers, we were kids and we didn't know what to do, for a few months afterwards I was very protective of my seat in the class because I had most of my classes with Michelle and I couldn't bear the idea of someone else in her place. Half of me was so angry but the other half of me was so sad and I still don't know which part was ruling my head.
I was quite amazingly mixed up and the level of grief never really seem to abate for a really long time, for a long while I never thought I could be happy again.
The problem was back then no one really discussed grief or death with children, it was a very much keep calm and carry on situation, I'm glad now that school has changed so much kids have counselors and people they can talk to but we didn't.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all had it so hard, we were just young people completely rocked and shocked by someone dying that was the same age as us. Now we are all grown up but it still doesn't make any sense maybe it never will. But the most poignant memories we have of Michelle are the times we spent with her, her wonderful loving nature, her whimsical side and the ability to make everybody laugh even in the worst situation. She really could make anything funny! And of course had devoted love of Michael Jackson.
Maybe we will not stop grieving but we will not stop loving and cherishing either, maybe some birds are not meant to be caged because their feathers are just too bright



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