Im sat in the middle of a field bawling my eyes out. Even more so then when my Sister died.
My Nan has passed away from a Stroke which she never woke from.
I'm studying Performing Arts at College and in my last term. Huge end of year show that i am the Stage Manager for. I'm running the show.
I've spent my time off during rehearsals reading her The Sun newspaper. They say talking to people can help. Im there everyday with Mum telling Nan whats happening in the world and answering back as if we were having a conversation about the stupid stories.
My Nan was like the best Nan ever. Michelle and I got away with alot when she would babysit.
'Just an extra 30mins please'. Begging to stay outside till it became dusk.
She loved watching the movie 'King and I', everytime at christmas that was the movie to watch. After the Queens speech (of course). And she would always bring the best Apple and Mince pies. Home-made.
Everytime we ever went to Nan's the box of toys and colouring books came out. This was a box of toys that were probably too young for us (a metal board with shapes, fuzzy felt, cars etc..), but we loved that box. It was ours. If we weren't colouring, we were making pictures. I would always try and draw my Nan a huge picture for her kitchen door on flipchart paper. I still have some of those pics still. Then there was the endless bowl of Wine Gums.....
This pain that I'm feeling feels like an anvil on my stomach. I don't feel like I can breathe.
How many more people that matter to me am I going to lose??
Now is the time I just want to disappear. Just go for a walk and never turn back. Just like Huck Finn.
The only thing that makes it even a tiny bit better is knowing that Nan will be with her Husband, her Sister and her Granddaughter.